Fire Your Friends? Maybe There's a Better Way.

A while ago, the women's magazines were urging us to "fire" our "toxic" friends. I say, "Whoa! Not so fast. Aren't most friendships worth saving?"

Having been the fired--and clueless--friend, I can tell you that it might be worth your while--and kinder to you both--simply to talk. I know: You hate conflict. I'll tell you a secret: We all do.

But, in most cases, talking is better than letting a friendship fall by the boards. Your conversation with your errant pal need not be marked by bitterness. It's all in how you do it.

Try something like, "Janine: We've been friends for a long time, and I love how you make me laugh and let me complain. I hope you won't take this the wrong way--I say it with all the love I feel for you--but when you said the other day that [whatever she said or did], I felt hurt. I'm sure you didn't mean it to sound [however it sounded]. That's just the way I felt."

What can we say about the above statement?

1) It lets Janine know why you're upset, and gives her a chance to apologize or make things right.

2) You don't attack the woman. You simply tell her how you felt. (That's known as an "I statement.")

3) You get everything "out in the open," rather than resent your friend or drop her.

When to Fire a Friend

Of course, there are some reasons ending a friendship becomes a good idea.

1) When your friend routinely encourages you to do dangerous things, such as drink, steal or run around on your mate. If you think you can influence your friend for the better, great. If it looks more likely that your friend will drag you down, get out!

2) If you've tried several times and still find that the friendship makes you unhappy more often than not.

3) If you believe your friend is deliberately cruel or harmful. (In other words, truly a "toxic" friend.)

Good luck,

C